


still us

by Mirai_chan



Category: PRISTIN (Band)
Genre: Gen, Idols, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-19 19:48:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18977176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mirai_chan/pseuds/Mirai_chan
Summary: Pristin disbands. Siyeon writes a song.





	still us

The last time Siyeon saw Nayoung, it was at a meeting.

 

She didn’t remember what had been said, all of the last meetings blurred into one, the same words said over and over again. But she remembered looking across the table to the place where Nayoung always sat, speaking softly on behalf of all of them. This time, she was silent. And it was her expression that Siyeon remembered so well, the _look_ on her face, the expression of someone who’d given up.

 

Maybe that’s when she gave up too.

 

It’d been five days since she’d seen Kyungwon, Eunwoo and Yebin, a couple of weeks since Minkyung, a couple more for Yewon and Sungyeon. For Jieqiong and Kyla, it was even more.

 

Siyeon wondered if the others kept count. She does, writing it in her notebook where she’s supposed to be writing lyrics. It was lying on her lap now, open to an empty page, waiting to be written in. Right now, she couldn’t write anything original because of the music playing through her headphones, filling her head with other people’s words. She’d been listening to music a lot lately, trying to figure out how to copy them, how to weave her feelings into words like that. It was proving to be difficult.

 

Siyeon sat back in her seat, pressing her cheek against the window and pulling her notebook closer to herself. The city outside blurred into shapes and colours as she refused to focus on it properly. Maybe she should write about that. Park Siyeon, former girl group member travelling on a public bus to… somewhere. There was something there, actually, a spark for just a moment, but as soon as she fumbled for a pen, it dissipated like a puff of smoke. She paused, suddenly aware of her surroundings again.

 

The bus hurtled straight past her stop, and the page was still blank.

 

 

“I think I’m done.”

 

Kyungwon didn’t look at any of them as she said it, she didn’t have to. She was pressed against the wall, sitting on the bed. Eunwoo sat beside her with her head bowed, fiddling with the cuff of her sleeve. The _‘me too’_ hung unspoken in the air around all of them. The room was dark, too small for all of them, and suddenly Siyeon felt like she had gone back three years in time, when they all sat like this, thinking about their uncertain future. Just like this.

 

Siyeon noticed Yebin trying to catch her eye in her peripheral vision. She looked up, almost startled, and Yebin offered her a small smile.

 

“It’ll be okay.” She spoke softly, but it was enough to make the other two look up. Siyeon stared up at the ceiling. She thought maybe she should cry, at the finality of it, but really she just felt relief.

 

Eunwoo let out a loud sigh, suddenly, reaching out to grab Kyungwon and Siyeon’s hands, holding onto them tightly. “I’m starving.” She announced. “There’s a new jjajangmyun place down the road, let’s go.” Kyungwon laughed, and Siyeon took hold of Yebin’s hand too, so they were all linked.

 

She only really let go when she was alone, after they’d all stumbled back home, having drunk too much to walk without clinging onto each other, laughing out loud for what felt like the first time in months.

 

 

It wasn’t until the next day that she realised she was remembering everything wrong. The last time she saw Nayoung wasn’t in a meeting room, meeting her eyes across the table, it was in one of the company cafes. She pushed her empty notebook across at Nayoung and then dropped her head onto the table.

 

“I can’t write songs.”

 

Nayoung laughed softly. “It doesn’t look like you’ve tried.” Siyeon lifted her head up.

 

“I have tried! I don’t know what to write.”

 

Nayoung shrugged. “You just have to start. Then it’ll come to you.”

 

“Where do I start?” Siyeon complained, pulling her notebook back and flicking idly through it. A moment passed when Nayoung didn’t reply, she looked up questioningly. The older girl was staring out of the window, looking off into the distance at something Siyeon couldn’t see.

 

“Anywhere.” She said, finally.

 

Siyeon wrote the first line when she walked away, then, within ten minutes, crossed it out again. That was when she started to keep track of the number of days. It was strange, really, that it was Nayoung who’d managed to slip her mind.

 

 

Maybe because this day was also the same day she last saw Minkyung.

 

She had just left the company building and was checking her phone for non-existent notifications when she spotted her, walking on the other side of the street, too far away for her to catch up easily. Siyeon shoved her phone into her pocket and quickened her pace, having to wait for an opportunity to cross the road.

 

“Unnie!” She yelled out after failing to make any progress in getting closer to her. “Minkyung-unnie!”

 

Minkyung finally heard and turned around, looking startled.

 

“Ddiddi?” She sounded slightly concerned as Siyeon caught up with her, panting.

 

“Hey.” She said, breathlessly.

 

Minkyung smiled confusedly. “Hey.” She offered her arm without further question, Siyeon shifted her bag to her other shoulder to take it.

 

They walked together for a while without talking. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable, they had lived together long enough to be able to be together without needing conversation. Even so, there was something unspoken lingering, clinging to the back of Siyeon’s mind. She was unable to stop the words from spilling out.

 

“Did you talk to the others?”

 

Minkyung paused. Not physically, she didn’t stop walking, but Siyeon heard a catch in her breathing that told her she understood.

 

“I have.”

 

Siyeon nodded. They kept walking.

 

“I’m going from here.” Siyeon said, as they reached a bus stop. The one they’d passed quite a few paces ago would actually have taken her closer to her destination, but she didn’t mention that. Minkyung let out a small ‘ah’ of acknowledgment.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

Siyeon shrugged. “I gotta buy some stuff.”

 

They were quiet again for a moment, both of them looking into the distance.

 

“Siyeon-ah.”

 

“Hm?” Siyeon looked back to find Minkyung looking at her. “What?”

 

Minkyung sighed, then laughed, closing her eyes. “Nothing. Just, never change, okay?”

 

Siyeon frowned in confusion. “Huh?”

 

Minkyung opened her eyes and smiled, properly. It’d been such a long time since Siyeon had seen an expression like that on her. “You’re _the_ Park Siyeon. It’s gonna take more than this to stop you.”

 

Siyeon half-laughed, completely confused. “Unnie, what?”

 

But Minkyung was already setting off down the road again. Just before she’d turned around, Siyeon thought she’d seen something glistening in her eyes, thought she heard her voice break slightly on the hasty ‘bye!’ she called behind her. Siyeon just stood there for a moment, blinking, staring after her. Before she knew it, Minkyung had disappeared around a corner and the bus had rolled up next to her.

 

So, the unstoppable Park Siyeon got onto the bus to go and buy groceries, and on the way, she wrote the first line to her song for the second time. This time, she didn’t cross it out.

 

 

“I don’t know what to do.” Yewon confessed to her, sitting in the darkness of the kitchen in their dorm. Sungyeon had been boiling water to make ramen, but she’d left the room a while ago, so the sound of it bubbling madly filled the room. Siyeon tapped her nail on the table, chipping its polish.

 

“Do whatever you want to.” She said, honestly. She already knew what Yewon wanted to do.

 

Yewon looked at her from across the table, her eyes clouded, and Siyeon knew then what was going to happen.

 

She understood why, because it was the same reason why she was sitting here, the same reason why she’d stood on stage with her future weighing on how they chose to edit her, why she’d stood on stage so many different times until it was her singing the opening line. And now-

 

Sungyeon came rushing back into the kitchen in time to rescue her ramen, the ensuing chaos distracting the other two girls from their conversation. When she finally slammed the pan down into the middle of the table, huffing as if she’d just finished a marathon, her eyes flickered to Siyeon.

 

“I have something of yours.” She said, abruptly, delving into her pocket as Yewon grabbed bowls and rummaged around for chopsticks. “Here.” She dropped a keyring with a sparkly unicorn attached to it into Siyeon’s palm. “I keep finding your stuff everywhere. Don’t know why, we’re not even roommates.”

 

Siyeon laughed. “Thanks.”

 

The three of them ate in silence for a while, the only sound now coming from the ticking of the clock on the wall. Their dorm never used to be this quiet.

 

“I’m thinking of trying to write a song.” Siyeon told Sungyeon later, while she was helping her wash up. Sungyeon shot her a weird look.

 

“Why?” She knew what that meant. _It’s not like it’ll ever get produced. Why bother?_ Siyeon stared down at the bowl she was holding.

 

“I don’t know. Just for me. Just for-” _us._ She looked up. Sungyeon’s face had softened.

 

“In that case,” she said, pushing another bowl at her. “Do it.”

 

Siyeon realised she’d forgotten her unicorn keyring twenty minutes after she’d left, but Sungyeon didn’t text her to let her know, so she figured it was probably okay.

 

 

Yewon texted her, much later, to say: _I’m sorry_

 

Siyeon responded immediately: _it’s okay_

 

She wrote another line of her song.

 

 

People seemed to keep apologising to Siyeon.

 

“I’m sorry.” Kyla’s apology came completely out of the blue, as they lay on their backs in the park eating ice cream. It wasn’t that hot, and the weather wasn’t amazing, but the ice cream barely cost two thousand won. Siyeon bit down too hard on said ice cream and nearly choked.

 

“For what?” The slight irritation in her voice was a side effect of the brain freeze, fortunately Kyla seemed to realise that, given how she just giggled.

 

“For going.” She said simply. “Next week.” She clarified. “I’m leaving next week. Back to the states.”

 

“Oh.” Siyeon bit the ice cream more delicately this time, frowning. “I know. Why are you sorry about that?”

 

Kyla sighed. “I don’t know. I feel bad about leaving you guys, right now.”

 

Siyeon rolled over to face her. “Ya, Ila.” She said seriously. “You’re not leaving us. None of us are leaving us. Okay?”

 

Kyla frowned. “…Huh?”

 

Siyeon rolled her eyes and turned over onto her back again. Okay, maybe that came out a little bit confusing. “Never mind. What I mean is-” She paused, searching for the words. “You won’t be gone. You’ll never really be gone. Right?”

 

The sun came out from behind a cloud, and they both closed their eyes against it.

 

“Right.” Kyla echoed.

 

 

It’d been the longest since Jieqiong.

 

Of course it had been, she’d been away for so long, none of them had seen her in ages. It had been even longer that they’d all been together as ten, when Jieqiong and Kyla were both able to be in Korea at the same time, they’d had a meal. It felt like so long ago, now. But that wasn’t the last time Siyeon had seen Jieqiong. The last time she’d seen her had come completely out of the blue.

 

She’d been in the company building, alone, as she had long since gotten used to, when Jieqiong suddenly seemed to materialise in the room, crossing it in a second and throwing her arms around Siyeon.

 

“Aigoo~” Jieqiong hummed into her ear. “I missed you!” She pulled back and looked at Siyeon properly. “You look healthy!”

 

 _She_ didn’t. Siyeon was fairly sure she’d never seen Jieqiong this thin. It was for this reason that she kept holding onto her, maybe also partly because she hadn’t seen her in so long, it was hard to believe she was in front of her now.

 

“How long are you staying?”

 

Jieqiong’s face fell. That was answer enough.

 

“I’m trying to find all of you.” She said. “I wanna see everyone before I go back. It might be-” She paused. “It might be a while.”

 

Siyeon held on a little tighter. “I missed you too.”

 

Jieqiong smiled again, not her usual bright smile, a more subdued one. It was genuine, though, Siyeon could tell from looking in her eyes.

 

“Oh!” Jieqiong said suddenly. “Before I forget.” She delved into her bag, shuffling things around for a while before pulling something out. “Here.” She pressed it into Siyeon’s hand. “Happy birthday.”

 

“Thank you.” Siyeon peered at it, small and wrapped in tissue paper. “Um, my birthday was-”

 

“I know that.” Jieqiong waved a hand. “I didn’t get you a gift then. Don’t open it yet!” She grabbed Siyeon’s hand to stop her. “Later.”

 

Later, after spending an entire by journey trying to figure out what it was through the paper, Siyeon finally tore it open. She ran her hand over the cover of the patterned pink notebook, and opened it on the first page.

 

_Happy birthday to my Ddiddi! I can’t believe you’re going to be an adult now, aigoo, you grew up so well ㅠㅠ_

 

_I heard our Xiyeon-ah wanted to write songs now, so you need a place to write them! Unnie wants to be the first to hear them, so please do your best~_

 

_Kyulkyung ♡_

 

 

Seven out of ten terminated their contracts a day before Sungyeon’s birthday.

 

The news takes the world by surprise, sort of, and all of them ended up caught up in the media frenzy, or rather trying to avoid the media frenzy. Five out of ten of them went out to eat together, sitting around in silence for what felt like an age before Eunwoo lifted her soju and said, “Cheers!” Only to immediately spill it everywhere, breaking the tension abruptly. They spent the rest of the meal either laughing or eating.

 

Apart from that, for most of the time following the official announcement, Siyeon was alone. She didn’t feel alone though, not with her phone pinging with notifications every five seconds, constantly scrolling through Instagram, Twitter, Naver, to see what people were saying about it all.

 

She stayed on the **_PRISTIN_ ** group chat for a while, waiting to see if anyone would leave it. After all, there was no Pristin anymore. Why would they stay? They didn’t have any reason to. Her phone vibrated in her hand, suddenly.

 

 _Im Nayoung has changed the chat name to:_ **_friends_ **

 

She blinked at her phone for a moment, and then smiled. Barely a minute passed before it buzzed again.

 

 _Jung Eunwoo has changed the chat name to:_ **_friends! \\(^•^)/_ **

 

It wasn’t until she was sitting alone in a cafe, hours later, that she turned her phone off entirely, placing it face down on the table. It felt like she’d just walked out of a crowded room into somewhere quiet. Somewhere outside, maybe.

 

When the barista came to take her order, she bought the sweetest thing she could think of.

 

Nayoung arrived fifteen minutes later. She wasn’t late, Siyeon had been early, which was why she was now halfway through the sweetest bubble tea in the galaxy still with no regrets.

 

Siyeon pushed the notebook across the table at her. Nayoung only had to glance at it to break out into a smile.

 

“You finished it.”

 

Siyeon drank the rest of her bubble tea and set the cup down with a flourish. “Uh-huh.”

 

Nayoung took her time reading it, tracing her finger under each line, mouthing the words as she went.

 

“It’s a work in progress.” Siyeon said, watching her.

 

“I love it.” Nayoung told her, handing the notebook back. “Does it have a name?”

 

Siyeon shook her head. “Not yet. I’ll think about it.” She stabbed her straw into her empty cup. “Let me know if you think of anything, I’m bad at naming songs.”

 

“I will.”

 

“Kyulkyung-unnie said she’d help me make a melody for it, right now I have nothing for that, either.” She sighed. “Unnie, this is _hard._ ”

 

Nayoung smiled at her. “It’ll come to you.”

 

“You said that last time.”

 

“Was I wrong?”

 

Siyeon smiled back. “I guess not.”

 

She's never wrong. When Siyeon woke up the next morning, there was already a melody playing in her head.

**Author's Note:**

> siyeon sent the song to kyulkyung first :)
> 
> honestly didn't think this would be my second work on the site, but the news hit me really hard bc pristin was one of my ult groups, and since writing is my therapy, i wrote this in a day (it's unbeta'd oops) it's kinda rushed tbh but this is my way of venting, ig. so this fic is basically a love letter to pristin, and especially to 11 years trainee park siyeon. you worked hard ddiddi. all of you did. friendly reminder i make no claims to know how any of this really went down, this is fiction (made to ease my sadness and anger about the situation just a little)
> 
> please highs continue to support all of the girls wherever they go, although our time with them was short it certainly was a wonderful time.
> 
> thank u so much for reading <3 and #ThankYouPristin


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